Isn’t it crazy, there are times God actually expects you to believe what you say you believe? That He is always all good and sovereign and working all things for His good, eternal purpose? But my heart doesn’t want to trust that right now. I would rather just keep control.
Today was the one year court date for our foster daughter that we’ve had nearly 8 months. She will be going home soon. Too soon. And my heart has never felt such pain and such peace. Right now, I do not feel brave. Right now my faith is small. Right now my heart is scared and I would rather know that I am the one keeping her safe rather than trusting that God will.
And yet, as I sit here in her room, alone and sobbing, I am reminded once again that He loved her first. And her Father is clearly telling me to wrap her mom, yes her mom, because I am only the temporary mom. The mom who saw her first steps and was up for months of sleepless nights with cutting teeth and sickness and terrors and the mom who heard her first words and watched her become a toddler. I am the mom who now must wrap her mom with the grace my Father has given me and the support she needs to succeed. Not knowing if she’s actually ready for this. Because our daughter, her daughter, needs her mom to make it, to do this, to be mom.
Giving grace means deep grief for my heart. Grief knowing that overnight, our temporary daughter will not know what happened to her temporary family. The family she has known as mommy and daddy and “babbi” and “li” and “bubba” (translation: Abbi, Eli, Evan) for nearly half her little life. We will be out of her life and her gone from ours and she is too young to understand why. And the psychology education in me knows that her mind will experience even more trauma as a result and the mom heart in me does not know how I will survive this.
Right now, I hate foster care. This system is so broken. Parents are so broken. Leaving these kids so broken. And my heart broken. Right now, I do not know how to trust that God is in control of this mess. But I must trust Him to be in control of my heart. And I must trust that He did hear and answer our cries that He would do what is best for our temporary daughter. And I must lay down my pride of trusting myself that I am what is best for her. And trust that just maybe, not only was His purpose for us to be temporary family in her story, but to be part of her mom’s eternal story.
To be honest, I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to feel this brokenness or go through this insanity, anymore. What God is whispering to me, though, is that I did not say yes to this child for my sake or even for her sake but ultimately for His sake. I say yes to the joy and the grief and the pain, because of His purpose. I say yes to this messy broken process because of His greater story. I don’t do it confidently, more like completely weak and wavering. I can’t even say that I do it willingly, more like kicking and screaming. None of us are cut out for this chaos. None of us are strong enough for this stress and sorrow. And our family will have to take a season to grieve and to rest. Because I will not lie, this has been hard, she has been hard. But there is no one good at this or equipped for this, we all only have the ability to do this by Him and for Him and through Him. So all of us can say yes to this, somehow, someway. Because His grace is sufficient even when we are not. And today, I ask you to say yes to this crazy by simply praying for our hurting, tired hearts and the future of our precious temporary daughter.
“He is before all things and by Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17